Today I just started my courses, the first one being a relatively relaxed course on Documentary filmaking, offered by the Cinema Institute at The University of Toronto St. George campus. I don’t want to say that I am suffering from a form of PTSD, but I honestly just came out of 3-years of having 2 or more laboratory courses whilst having lecture courses, and I am so nervous that I need to prepare and start studying and taking notes.

I don’t think that it is anxiety of letting myself down, I seriously tried at these courses and the courses that I did fail, I am not sad about it because I gave it a honest try. I put everything that I had on the table and got what I got, and where I faltered is where I made room for improvement.

Yet, I sit here and I wonder if I really fucked myself, I find it hard to relax, I feel almost guilty. Sounds crazy? Well yeah, I guess so, at the same time I would rather have did something or tried to do something, that not hfave at all and coast.

I always have this question, am I one of those guys who works hard, while some other guy doesn’t work as hard, and they get more benefits than I do?

Am I the sucker?

Let’s look at this clearly now, I am 39 years old, I live at home with my parents, I have no job, I have no girlfriend, I have to plans to date and get a girlfriend. I go to school to get a degree, even though I already have one (albit in Mental Health for Psychology and Economics for Management Studioes).

I literally am fucking knowledgeable, yet I hunger for more.

It’s very puzzling, I am very puzzling.

Well, it’s back to science tomorrow, Proteins and Enzymes. There are so many biology courses downtown, I am seriously thinking of switching campuses.