I have this problem with giving an articles titles before I even start writing the content. I can think of so many titles of stories I want to tell, or articles that I want to write; yet, the more I get into the actually writing, the more I realize just how little it makes sense. Although I have this weird thing, where I can actually think on the fly, or as I am writing.
It’s really cool, I was at my friends wedding, and I didn’t know we were going to have to make speeches, and I gave one of the best speeches there with almost no preparation. I also owe credit to the brain injury I have, it has given me a very unique memory. I recalled this time I was riding the subway, and the bride (at the time, she was the brie-to-be) asked me “do you know what kind of man I am marrying?”. Of course I tied that into a mediocre story about this one time at a bar I was refused alcohol because I looked drunk, which was how I usually looked; unsteady, poorly balanced and I have a Parkinsonian like tremor that makes people think I am nervous. The groom who was with me, stood up to the bartender, protesting that this was bullshit. There was this whole scene, he even sent a shot glass flying (in the wedding, I may have exaggerated and send that there were flying glasses everywhere)!
Was the speech perfect, hell no and far from it, but it was good, so god that I may have made a lot of people jealous (those friends don’t hang around me anymore, not saying that’s why though, I’m just pointing that out). The thing about this sort of “improvisation” is that I wasn’t always good at it, I started off probably very bad at it, I remember my time playing the best instrument in the world, the trumpet, and I would always try and solo. I didn’t have the technical part down, the scales and when to play them, I just used my ears and tried to play what sounded good. My problem was when I started to sound bad, I didn’t understand why and I just tried to experiment my way out. What happened was there were times where I would botch the solo completely, numerous times. Having said that, I must of played well sometimes because I was still given the opportunity to solo, again and again, even at performances or festivals!
I think that is where it all started for me, in music. I played piano as well, and just like Trumpet, I never liked the technical part of things (although now after my car accident, I can no longer play, and now I learned to appreciate the more technical side of music). I loved to play and sound good though, there was a piano at my uncles wedding, and I jumped on and just started playing around. I played a lot of jazz improv, using like one or two scales I knew, and I was told that people liked it, and I was also told that I made my cousin’s mom jealous, because her daughter was slated to play classical or something. Man, family drama.
At the end of highschool, I got into a vicious car crash, I had to be extracted from the car using the jaws of life. During the ambulance ride, I awoke for a brief second or two, meaning they must have had to administer a shot of adrenaline or something, because for that second or two I just looked around at a my body, clothes or body covered in blood. Now years later, after many moons of rehabilitation, I still can’t play the a trumpet or piano, or even my beloved lacrosse. Now, I don’t even think I want to though, because it won’t be the same. I wouldn’t feel as free, sure I may be better at my musical knowledge, or practise ethic, definitely not my work ethic because I played mostly whenever I could, I didn’t however make those friday early morning rehearsals too often.
It’s just like how I feel about sports now, yeah sure it was fun going to play pick-up shiny with my dad at 5am on Sunday mornings, but now, even if I could skate and get on the ice again, my fine motor skills and my hand eye coordination isn’t where it used to be, it just wouldn’t be the same. I don’t really like sports as much anymore, plus everyone is all about Basketball these days and I just can’t get on that boat.
Years after my music phase, and my lacrosse playing phase, I may not be able to play anymore, but I still have that creative thirst. I want to apply my creativity, and still “play” creatively. Maybe that’s why I landed in psychology and mental health, because if you aren’t a creative problem solver, are you then just treating every person you meet with an instruction booklet? Yet maybe this is where my weakness is, yeah I can play, and play well, but maybe I am lacking that theoretical knowledge that I did in the past, with my trumpet. Now I am thinking of “the grass is always greener on the other side”, but what if your grass can be green as well, you just have to look at yourself insightfully. Maybe my grass can be even better.