Okay, I’ve had only one sexual partner. I was 17, and a lacrosse playing musician, then I got into a car accident. I am now 33, I have very low success with talking to women, because all of the women my age have a career, their own friends and family.
Meanwhile, I’m finding it very difficult to achieve any employment, despite my academic success, volunteer work and ambition. No one wants to hire me, also I haven’t worked meaninful employment since I was 17. Maybe it’s because of the way the chips fell after the accident.
Lately, for the last 6 years, I have been bullied, ostracised and just not accepted. Actually not being included in things has been a ongoing phenomenon since the accident, for tthe last 15 years. I got into the accident in January of 2005. It’s been a long, sexless road. Now I’m worried that I am missing out on the opportunity that my youth is giving me.
I’ve went through my 20’s sexually supressed, I think I eventually paid a prostitue to blow me. It was an over priced amount of money as well, she rushed me to cum (even though I took my sweet ass time regardless) and it put me under around $120. Interesting I thought, one blowjob costs me 3 months of Starbucks (okay maybe 2)? Sadly, this is all I got out of my 20’s, a blowjob.
To be fair, she wasn’t even that goodlooking, her technique was garbage and I love my coffee from Starbucks.
I don’t know if this is because of who I am, what I like (I do enjoy connection, yet I know this is hard to maintain) or has the internet of porn set my standards too high for blow jobs? I dount the latter, to you understand how it feels to be 33 years old and not know how to even get a date, or a girlfriend to watch a movie with you?
Anyway it sucks, and I am contemplating if I should startt seeing a sex worker just to get my gears moving again. Also because I am really interested in Sex, as my fucking idiot parents kept me away from anything sex related. They also want me to go back to the same people who abused me, and lie about me to others so I have a harder time meeting new people.
I really like BDSM, it’s something that I would think that is taboo to most, so that interests me. On Twitter, I was randomly linked (or suggested) this person to follow, Lady Pim, a dominatrix out of The Ritual Chamber Toronto. I read up on her, followed her, unfollowed her, followed her again and I have been actively replying to her tweets or commenting. After which a whole world of Dommes (female dominants I suppose) opened up and there are some really cool people right here in Toronto! It is horrible because I am going through the motions to move to Boston for journalism, my father will tell you that I run away from my problems; idiot.
I mean, there were so many opportunities out there if I just move, like I wholeheartedly believe that he doesnt want me to be successful. But back to the subject at hand, I hypothesize that if I am going to fix this aspect of myself, I am going to need professional help. Not thesee young girls who are “Liberated” by this modern feminist idea, or this Liberal/left-wing leaning politics, but people who actually care about the individual and less about their ego.
I have always been interested in sex, but I wasnt always interested in the science of it until I got into a higher level of education. It’s horrible, but I had something wrong with my “little buddy”, as he wasn’t circumcised. The foreskin was so tight that I couldn’t ejaculate if I pulled it back. Coupled with having to deal with the stigma of not being circumcised by stupid fucking girls, I didn’t have exactly a great sexual experience; and I was in love with my partner (at least I thought so).
Sex to me is such a mystery, yet I don’t see it being worth much, yet I know people can enjoy sex, so why can’t I? The worst thing to do is read stories about people in situations like yours, because they are almost always worse, or at least they were portrayed that way.
I read a story of a disabled person who make me look like fucking Michael Phelps, and he just wished to have sex once before he died, and they found a sex worker to have sex with him. He died later that month, what the fuck dude. Way to make me feel like poopoo caca.
But even still, just because someone has it worse doesn’t mean I have to suffer more when I don’t have to.
Louis CK has this joke about how driving his car is the most tyrannical thing to do in the world. He says that some kids starve to death, like they wake up and think “I’m hungry”, but don’t get food and die. He drives an Infinity, he could easily go exchange for a Ford Focus, which is still a great car, and get like 20K back and he could then save thousands of children from starving. But everyday he chooses not to, it was a hilarious bit.
Maybe I’ll give Lady Pim a ring, ask her for her advice.