The Shattered Self-Reflection

Did I do this to myself? I can’t help but wonder if this is  my fault that I got into this fiasco with the school. I fought for my innocence, and I wasn’t really treated that poorly by the security or the school, I think I am just in shock. I guess, I don’t really know what shock feels like, I’d imagine it’s something like a panic attack.

Maybe I’ve had enough? (If you’ve been following my recent articles, you’d know that I was removed and prohibited from attending class, due to being flagged as “advocating violence against women”)

You want to know how I feel, the people that I trusted not to do this, broke that trust and had me reported. I let my guard down, and repeatedly when I let my guard down I get hurt, I’ve been hurt and you’d think I would know better. I so want to trust again, I want to be happy, but every fucking time this happens. Some stupid people, usually an egotistical bitch, maybe a feminized man, or a group of girls find that I am jaded and biased in my “flawed” thinking of feminism and women. Then they get this idea that they are going to fix me by destroying me, and building me back up in their image. This has happened repeatedly, and you wonder why I am more cynical these days.

Lately, I keep telling myself that “Oh you shouldn’t be so hard on them” and “They didn’t know what they were doing, they wouldn’t have done that if they knew”; it’s just like a botched psychology experiment. “It was just an accident” I say over and over, why are you causing so much drama, Andrew?

I used to hear that all the time in the past, these “group of friends” always used to say that when I had an issue or I complained.

I was always told that I was an excellent leader, a natural. Lately I have been told on multiple occasions over the last 5 or 6 years that because of the accident I survived and how I have rebounded, that I could be a public speaker, and teach others about perseverance and determination. Was I used, to teach the younger kids in my program? That females are not to be talked poorly about, or that I need to be mindful of what I write about females, or I don’t have as much power as a student writer, or perhaps it was about perseverance and determination after all. Maybe it was a test, to see if I could handle pressure, or if I could take being scrutinized. Perhaps it was a group of women who saw the opportunity to destroy a man, and then to pick up the shattered pieces and re-build him how they’d imagine the man as. That actually sounds perfectly plausible, wouldn’t you say so?

I guess all these possibilities are probable, and given my history with women; I’d say that last one is extremely possible.

What perfect timing too, The movie “Joker” was released, and I saw it. There has been a lot of controversy saying that the film glorifies intel-like behaviour. That the movie will become the start for a wave of mass shootings across the country because a guy decided to stand up for himself, in a world that kept him down. This story is starting to sound familiar….

That’s for another post.

Ideally, if I had so much influence on people, I’d have more followers of this blog. It’s because I don’t have a lot of followers, or “power”, that they were able to abuse me to clean up their policies. Apparently that’s my job though, I’m the teacher rememberer? Because I don’t have a lot of backing, teachers and faculty get to do what they want, I suppose. I’m used to fighting for that goal, pushing my through defenders, or taking cross-checks and slashes just to bury that ball; box lacrosse really shaped my work ethic.

I got smart though, I just started to snipe. I learned from the best, Jim Veltman, who was the Wayne Gretzky of lacrosse (in my mind, not so sure about my old teammates). Taking hits is part of the game, I guess, but there were rules; like how experiments involving human subjects have ethics. I’d imagine that any experiment has ethics, no matter what living organism is involved. That’s what drives me insane, is that if this were experiments, or I was being used to “teach a lesson” surely there would be some rules or ethics they would have to abide by.

Unless they were acting out of pure self-interest and complete disregard for my well-being.

Don’t I have the right to complain, or to get help? This isn’t some competitive sport, or a game; this is my school and educational institute. Why do I feel an insane amount of guilt, as if I know they didn’t mean it, it was just an accident (is the victim of abuse talking, or the easy going non-caring hippie talking)? There’s honestly so many different avenues and perspective that I have explored, it’s hard to justify my own abuse as abuse, or my sufferings as sufferings. Part of people saying I cause drama, people saying that I’m on my period, or just me thinking it doesn’t hurt that much; just keep pushing It down (as Bill Burr jokingly but blatantly says most men do this).

I don’t know why I talk against feminists so much, or females in general. I get that all females aren’t inherently bad, but I also know that a lot of females are fucking horrible people. They all have this idea of what is hard work, what is true problems, there was a lady on twitter who proclaimed that she was so tired, and she linked a picture of an instagram selfie with a native Indian head-dress, insinuating that she was tired of fighting the good fight against “cultural appropriation”. Sure, it’s apparently strenuous tasks of being a social justice warrior, or maybe a keyboard warrior who realizes that her days on Twitter are numbered, and she will have to hang up the towel, turn in her tags, and settle for a desk job. I’m tired too, I’m tired of having to attend meetings, being falsely accused of something, kicked out of shows or music festivals, being falsely accused of something new, banned from entering music venues, also being falsely accused based on word of mouth from people who don’t know me, having to “clear my name” and having to fight teams of people and parts of organizations, and for fucks sake the CEO (she was female). I thought that was tiring, in addition to having my mental health obliterated over the last 6 years.

We Need To Stop Shaming Men When They Defend Themselves. This Is Not Right. from r/PublicFreakout


You have to wonder, that maybe going all of this is part of accomplishing something great. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen some quote saying no one made a difference by doing the same thing that everyone is doing. By not challenging the status quo, these people don’t make headlines; yet, maybe I’ve got to learn that I am not unique at all. That I am just another guy, my prime has ended, rather tragically and abruptly and my life is over. I mean isn’t that what everyone wants? I should just give up, just do what everyone wants me to do, not what I want to do, accept the way I’m treated.

Wouldn’t you?

2 Comments Add yours

  1. jalapenogirl says:

    I hope everything gets well. Same situation was for me. Two of my seniors tried to molest me and when I stood up for myself, they harrased me more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. andeluuu says:

      That sounds horrible, I am unapologetically sorry you went through this.

      Liked by 1 person

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