I couldn’t tell you everything that I went through in my late teens onward, some of it was more of a testament to who I am than abuse. I got into a vicious car crash, it was a horrible episode that took about 10 years of my life and I had almost died.
Yeah, I realize that you’re probably sick of hearing the same story, people don’t like hearing about someone’s excuse for you having to have some consideration and now you have to think; the mere notion of this request seems equally jarring as it is taxing. And believe me, this isn’t exactly any easier of a feat on those that have to advocate for themselves either. I am always very adamant and stern whenever I talk to anyone who needs accommodation, “You fucking tell them what you need, there’s is not a single person in this world who is going to fight for you”
But when I do my own advocacy, it’s exhausting, I see the looks I get from people, it’s enough to make me feel like I am a bother. Anyway, that is not really how I got abused. I get abused through my parents not wan ting me to work, other people not wanting me to talk, being ostracized and excluded when I am out, I like to be alone, that isn’t where I am going with this. I mean ostracized because others will spread rumours about me, which will cause even more people to not want to interact with me.
For example, I have people who think they are close to me, telling people I have no money or ambition. At the same time, I have women complaining that “all men are bums, can’t take me out, got no money, if a woman is expensive, it’s a man’s job to step up and provide for her“. Now if I have no money, and I am apathetic or I don’t care to work or go to school, I am not going to have any success with women. It’s not rocket science.
My father loves to tell people that I am depressed, lazy, I have no money. He also takes the side of women and pushes all responsibility and pressure on me, despite how much I have been abused. He calls this insurance, these girls get to go out, party, date, fuck whatever, while he treats his own son like he is too stupid to do anything. His side of the family, with the exception of a few, treat me like I have written off my life. They also don’t treat me well because I am not Muslim, I don’t speak the language either. It’s a whole cultural thing with Muslims and my mothers side whom are all Hindus (I am not Hindu either, I really am the black sheep of the family).
What really pushes me the wrong way, is the women who pretend to like you, and because I am such a great guy, I fall for and work hard to imagine a life together with them, and they turn out to have a boyfriend that they had all along. My mother is this manipulative, and my father loves that about her, so I have no backing when presented with this behaviour. Then, these girls say that I am so slow and stupid that I like them, or that I am in love with them. What’s even worse is that I have been abused and manipulated so often and for so long that I don’t trust women. More insurance, now the girls that think I am a good guy, will go around doing whatever they want because they “know” I’ll always be there.
Anyway, there’s is a lot to this and what’s going on, I am started to crack, 7 years will do that won’t it. There is more but I can’t handle to type out everything in one go. Next entry I will talk about what happened downtown!