I don’t think I am using that correctly, I’ll have to consult the Urban Dictionary or something. I am reading this book by Dr. Elinor Greenberg on the different personality subtypes, disorders, or as she likes to refer to them as, “adaptations”.

There is the thing she was talking about, defensive acting out. It happens when a person goes to self-activate and get what they really want, once they take steps to acquire what the want, a rush of the extreme feelings of pain that they have been avoiding will start to rush back (suicidal depression, homicidal rage, emptiness and void, helplessness and hopelessness, panic, shame and guilt) . Then the defensive mechanism will initiate, in the form of acting out.

Last night, I was at the gym, and there was this girl I found attractive, I wanted to talk to her, but I have been brainwashed by feminism that men shouldn’t approach women at the gym.

Which is fucking bonkers.

But for some reason, I couldn’t approach her, I couldn’t even say hi. Perhaps it was the attractive white guy I saw beforehand, whom I thought that maybe he was her boyfriend and he would get into a fight with me. I knew that I would lose, so anyway I ignored the want to talk to her and I kept working out. Was it that I felt inferior, or that I was just scared of her being his boyfriend and me just getting told to move along, crap maybe some amalgamation of both.

Then these feelings just rushed in, and these thoughts just entered my mind. I thought to myself that I would approach her, and i hoped he came over; because then, I’d grab a 25 pound plate and bash his face in. At that point, I didn’t even care about the girl, I’d just be so satisfied with actually smashing that guys face in. I know that’s wrong though, and I would never do that, I just had the thought. I know why I thought of that, because as soon as he caught glimpse of me, he gave a dismissive grunt, I know he looks better than me and he’s in better shape, but why does he have to add that grunt, can’t he just mind his own business and focus on his workout?

But I am really liking this book, it’s very insightful into my own behaviour and thoughts. I did leave the workout area, and I tried to maintain my composure. I did end up acting out though, when I was doing a chest exercise, I think it’s called fly’s or something, it was a machine and I started having these thoughts rush in super fast, I won’t go into detail but they were around helplessness and hopelessness, with some shame and self-defeating thoughts. I slightly slammed the handles together, it wasn’t super noticeable, but I deliberated did that.

This is why you should be scared of people, in general, very few people are aware of the consequences to their actions. And very few people are so introspective, or have so much insight. Also, it is a vibe, with me and this book, I tend to vibe with a lot of books though.