So, I mentally made the decision to drop out of organic chemistry last night.

My mind feels somewhat, empty.

I really enjoy chemistry, but when I started with this professor, I met her in the lab. She started off as my lab instructor. It was okay, I didn’t have much interaction with her, and to be honest with you she isn’t a bad professor.

I failed the first term test, and after failing a few assignments and lab quizzes I just realized that I was killing myself for the first time.

LOoking at my other marks, they are mostly all just barely passing. With the exception of cell biology, the professor practically gave a 20% addition to the midterm grade (good new is that I still would have passed otherwise), Ecology has math so this makes my life a heck of a lot easier.

I just really like Chemistry, honestly. I feel a bit disappointed in myself that I didn’t go through with the course, pass or fail. Something has dawned on me though, I am 36, soon to be 37 and I have done this charade already; albeit different, as I was doing my first degree I was also doing rehabilitation and quite honestly discovering who this new me was post-recovery having my newly acquired traumatic brain injury.

To deal with my anxieties and things I couldn’t comprehend, I think I just drank. As I started to drink less and less, more things started to reveal themselves to me. For starters I didn’t place an enphasis on my learning as much as I should have. Neither did I fully take advantage of what an institution like The University of Toronto Scarborough had to offer me. I let other people dictate what I was going to do with my life, like my parents, or my friends.

It does suck that I am 36, and having this realization when I should have been more aware in high school. However, that time has already passed and I now should just keep moving forward and growing. So I will re-take Organic Chemistry next semester, and yeah I am going to be behind the group I started with, just like in high school, just like in my first degree, just like all my friends that graduated from the many programs that I did.

But now it’s different, this time I made the choice.